it's okay to eat fish

I spent half my night sitting down in my bath tub, smoking Winstons and listening to the rain. This could mean two things: one; I'm taking comfort in simple 1990s Nirvana-era, pleasures or, two; I've become so mentally unstable and dissatisfied with my life, that this is all I can truly take comfort in. I can't help but think of how a joint right then could've made that hour mean so much more, but then again, has all the contentment in my life been reduced to a joint? A miracle roll of herbs with sprinkles of tobacco, maybe licorice paper. I've become so lost in this transition to the next phase in my life that the only thing going for me right now is my companion, my partner-in-crime, my (insert lover in french). I know Dali said it best; "So little of what could happen, does happen" and while so much of that is true, the reality of turning twenty is that you realize after nineteen years of existence, nothing more can happen. All you've learnt to do is appreciate the beauty of thunderstorms and decipher some art. What has math done for me, besides calculate the probability of my existence? What have I been doing for so long that I feel more lost as I get older, as I'm entering the longest chapter of my life? I'm the new generation, I'm part of this thriving fleet of youth who don't know the difference between being bi-polar and being angry. Thing is, I do know the difference. I'm sitting in a bathtub on a Saturday night, taking comfort in knowing that this is exactly what I shouldn't be doing right now. What have you been doing?


Now playing: Nirvana - Something In The Way
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are you worth my presence, child?

The most tormenting thing in this world is having to decide if something's worth it. It's like taking on a mental disability. This life that we live, this karmic cycle of existence is so torturous, the validity of it all sometimes seems too good to be true. A simple pleasure, the joy of a cigarette, gets diminished when one lights this wonder stick with tears falling from reddened eyes. This sadness that overwhelms a human cannot be easily replaced with the joy of seeing a loyal friend wag it's tail upon your arrival. What seems like a bundle of useless emotion, ends up destroying self esteem, which is all we live for. What is the point of living if you have no more esteem to pick yourself up and start afresh, or so I've been told. It's painfully apparent that we merely exist to co-exist, to love one another, to laugh with the other, to smile to the other. A smile lights up a city but alas, a tear, drowns an entire country in self pity and woe. Such an understated, misread emotion; we have failed to fully understand how capable it is of destroying an entire human being: flesh, blood and soul.

Now playing: Deerhunter - Circulation
via FoxyTunes